Nurtureshock

by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

This book was recommended to me by a friend when we were both considering the option of homeschooling (and both of us are now doing it - I just wish we didn't live at opposite ends of the country - we have girls who are almost exactly the same age who could be great friends and study partners). It took me FOREVER to read it because I took it really slow, but I'm finally through it.

Chapter 1: the inverse power of praise
Sunny is a walking example of exactly this. She's told all the time how smart she is - she was talking clearly in sentences before she was 2 and reading chapter books by herself at age 4. But she won't do anything "hard." It's not that she quits right away - she won't even start at all if it's not something that just automatically comes to her like reading did. So we've really taken this chapter to heart and very deliberately praise her effort and her focus, not her natural intelligence. Other people compliment her smarts, but we avoid it at home.

On a related note, my husband came across this article the other day about self-esteem in the Daily Mail titled "How college students think they are more special than EVER" - an increasing sense of entitlement and "I'm all that" since the 1960s, while skill levels and academic achievement have actually gone down. Believing in yourself is all well and good, except that belief does not actually constitute achieving anything. Thinking that you can be successful does not necessarily mean that you are successful but apparently in these days, the two things are getting confused. Quite probably as a result of the PRAISE and SELF-ESTEEM culture we've created.

Chapter 2: sleep
This is one of the things I love about homeschooling - I'm comfortable that my children are getting the amount of sleep they need when they need it. Posy is currently going through a phase where she seems to need substantially less sleep than the other kids - she stays awake very late at night (even though yes, we've put her to bed) and is still the first one up in the morning. Sunny did the same thing at about the same age, so we understand that it's a phase that our kids seem to go through. Sunny, on the other hand, is sleeping a lot. Recently, she was asleep one night before 10 pm and slept in until almost 10:30 the next morning. I asked if she felt sick or if she was just tired - she said, "Just tired." It was a one-time thing - the next night/morning, she was back to her usual. There's no way she would have gotten that uninterrupted 12+ hour stretch if she were in public school.

Chapter 3: discussions about race
We don't currently have any neighbor kids - all the families with kids recently moved out of our complex. But when we did have other kids to play with at home ... they divided by gender, not race. The boys were white, the other girls were black. When they were running back and forth behind our row of townhouses, they very specifically yelled things like, "No girls allowed" or "Boys can't come into our fort." I never heard a single comment from any of them about skin color.

At the park, Sunny has commented about this or that "brown" kid, just as an identifier. She plays with them just fine. We're in Mississippi where white kids are the minority - you have to work hard to avoid interacting with black people. I haven't pursued a conversation about it - I'm not sure if that is or isn't what the book's authors think is a bad thing ... I haven't avoided it but the opportunity hasn't really presented itself either. You can't exactly stop a 4-year-old to discuss the social implications of skin color when she's whizzing by you at the park on her way to the slide to have a race with "that brown girl."

Chapter 4: liar, liar, pants on fire
Kids lie. A lot. And often, their parents can't tell. According to the authors, they first lie because they don't want to get in trouble or displease their parents. And then it builds from there. The trick to stopping it early is that you don't set them up to lie by asking loaded questions - "Did you do that?" Just tell them, "Don't do that" when you know full well what they did (like draw on the wall). Also, when they're busted for lying, emphasize the honesty issue when disciplining. If they drew on the wall and lied about it, they get in more trouble for the lie rather than the drawing.

Tattling was also worked into this chapter. Adults say, "Don't tattle." What they mean - "Work it out between yourselves." What the kids hear - "Withhold information from me." In other words, eliminate the T-word and give them more constructive statements like, "Talk to each other and work it out." I don't know if I'm the anomaly here, but that's just kind of a DUH thing for me - explaining to small kids how to handle situations rather than just leaving them to figure it out on their own. After reading this chapter, I've become more aware of situations where that could be used and I've checked my reflex statement - usually I say something like, "Okay, what do you want me to do about it?" I don't say, "Don't tattle." I'm kind of proud of myself for dodging that bullet without even realizing it.

Chapter 5: brainiac kindergarteners and TAG programs
For all the competition to get into "gifted" preschool and kindergarten programs, the authors contend that it's all a bunch of bunk. The tests and benchmarks and whatever to get into the programs give bogus results because the kids' brains aren't developed enough yet to indicate accurately if they actually are more intelligent than other kids. Those tests should wait until they're at least 8 or 9 years old. But the schools don't wait, and no program ever retests. If a kid gets in at age 4, they're there until they graduate ... meaning that a lot of average kids are in the gifted programs, and a lot of kids who are substantially more intelligent are not in the programs. Yay for homeschooling? We can work with our kids individually at whatever level they're at, and not worry about being held back by the class or pushed too far too fast.

Chapter 6: sibling rivalry
I'm not sure what I conclude from this one. It didn't make much sense to me in my context of having 5 kids really close together. It talked about building relationships with friends as a model for building a relationship with a sibling ... except my kids are so close together that they literally don't know life apart. They've built their relationships first, before any other kids even could come into the picture.

Chapter 7: teenagers
I don't need this yet - my oldest is only 6. But definitely some food for thought - that the parents who get the most disclosure from their teenagers are the ones who stand firm on the rules but are willing to negotiate. Don't be a pushover and don't be a dictator. And don't freak out when your kid argues - make it constructive instead of destructive.

Chapter 8: learning self control
I need to read this section about 10 more times and figure out how to work something into our homeschooling, because heaven knows we could use some learned self control around here. The chapter describes a preschool program called Tools of the Mind that sounds fascinating but not something I could replicate in my house. Too bad.

Chapter 9: social aggression
Science is indicating that educational TV and involved dads are at least partially causing social aggression in kids. Hello!?!? But looking at their analysis of kid shows and books, I can totally see it. Example - the Berenstain Bears. The authors point out that most of the story in a book or cartoon is describing the conflict and the fight, and the resolution is just a very brief point at the end. Good golly, that is SO true. I'm glad that my older 2 girls seem to have gotten past the Berenstain Bears fan phase, and the younger 2 don't know about them yet ... because my quote-happy children would latch onto the phrases of the Bears fighting or insulting each other rather than the kind statements. The cartoons are even worse because the insults are done in a sing-song tone that my girls think is great to repeat.

Chapter 10: baby talk
The old theory is that if you talk and talk and talk at your baby, they'll pick up language quicker. And to a point, that's true. Even better, though, seems to be the response the parents give to a baby when the baby is talking. That one made sense to me. I think we already follow the recommendations on getting babies to learn to talk - appropriately identify what they're holding or looking at, and respond when they verbalize in a "conversation." We're doing something right - all of our kids so far have been early talkers.

In general, I thought the book actually did what it claimed - turned some common parenting practices on their heads. Some parts were a little confusing for me, but for the most part, I could totally understand exactly what they were talking about and think of real life situations I've seen that fit right in with their descriptions. It gave me a lot to think about.